A Time to Love, A Time to Hate

Posted on May 6, 2013 by

8  A time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace. (Eccl. 3:8)

My teaching pastor, Ken Wilson, conducted the funeral services for Mr. John Youngblood, my wife’s father, this past Friday; his message came from Ecclesiastes 3, and he covered most of the chapter. He described Mr. John as “enigmatic,” meaning that he was almost a living paradox who confused everyone around him. It was hard to describe how those who knew him felt about Mr. John; some loved him, some hated him, but most did both.

Many had raged and warred against Mr. John his entire life; there are many grievances his family and friends have had with him. I have watched my wife struggle with her emotions toward Mr. John, a war that has included a passionate hatred, but also a more passionate love. There were many things that encouraged her to keep away, but the work of Christ in her life kept pushing her forward; she wanted the war to end, she wanted peace between her and her dad, and she wanted peace between her dad and God.

But now perhaps, in light of Mr. John’s death, it is time to end the war against him; it may be now the season of healing, and finally, of peace. There will still be struggles with the consequences of what Mr. John did in this life; old decisions and evil choices still scar those they affect. Still, there is hope that these will be dealt with, laid to rest, and forgiveness and love will come pouring out of those festering wounds.

There is little to love and hate about each of us; there are plenty of causes for the wars that others rage against us, and little reason for peace. Still, Isaiah describes the Lord Jesus the Christ as the “Prince of Peace,” it is in Christ where we can all find peace with God, and peace with one another. Our sin leaves terrible, awful craters in other people’s souls; we bombard them with the shells of our wickedness every day. But Jesus, has the power to turn those craters into lush valleys, flowering with the grace of God. Jesus gives us hope that there can be true reconciliation and true peace.

None of us deserve love or grace; God gives it abundantly. The fact is that if Mr. John, as we hope, made peace with God, then there is no power here who can war against him. Mr. John, in Christ, is finally at peace; all his debts are forgiven, all of his sins washed away. The challenge for us is will we also be among those who have made peace? Will we allow God to forgive and cleanse us with Christ’s blood? Will we begin today to give more reasons for people to love us, rather than hate us? Will we be about the ministry of reconciliation that the Apostle Paul speaks about?

There was a time when God hated me and counted me his enemy, but he loved me even more fiercely in his Son, Jesus the Christ, and as result I live in his grace, love, and peace every day of my life. The war between God and me is over, won by the powerful death and resurrection of Jesus the Christ.

The time of warring against God must eventually come to an end in this life. This conflict  will either be met in what Frederick Buechner calls the “glorious defeat,” where we surrender to Christ and he ends the hostility between us and God, or it will mean complete damnation in an eternal war against God that has no end, and knows no peace. Either way, Christ will reign, justice will be done to the guilty, and mercy shall triumph.

13 And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, 14 by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross. 15 He disarmed the rulers and authorities and put them to open shame, by triumphing over them in him. (Col. 2:13-15)

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Thanks to the Body of Christ

Posted on May 6, 2013 by

15 Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, 16 from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love. (Eph. 4:15-16)

I have not always been confident in the action and ministry of the Body; the local church now, and the local church in the book of Acts seem like two dissimilar twins birthed from the same mother. I know what the Body should do, but often this turns out to be what it does not do; when members are in need, too many today are too busy trying to save the world, instead of loving their brothers and sisters for whom Christ died.

I am happy to say this past week has really given me some optimism about the Body, and its ability to minister to those who are in need.

My wife lost her father last Sunday; it was unexpected and it has been a difficult week for her family, and I have seen how difficult it has been for her. But praise God, we have not been alone in our darkness this week; he brought us so many people who helped to make Mr. John’s passing a little easier. I cannot begin to thank all of the people who came out to our house, who left us food, who came to one or both services, who gave us gifts, and who showed us the love of Christ for us whether they realized it or not.

Here are some specific thank yous:

Thank You to “the Cord”

You guys were the first responders; you rushed out there to be with Candice, Ben, and Miss Tina before anyone else. Brad and Nicole, Brent and Andrea, and Amy Stone; thank you guys so much for staying up late with us in the hospital as we waited for the funeral home to come and get Mr. John. Thank you also for your visible presence throughout the week and how much love you have poured out on all of us. May God bless you greatly for the love you have shown, and may we one day be able to give you that same kind of love.

Thank You to Candice’s Accountability Group

Thank you for all of your food and prayers this week. I was blessed to see how much you have sought to lift up Candice, both spiritual and physically, this past week. You not only say that you care about each other in your weaknesses, you actually step  forward to help in times of need. I feel assured that you guys have Candice and my best interests at heart, and I know that we always have people who care about us praying for us. Thanks especially to Andrea, Mel, and Sandy for coming to spend time with Candice this week.

Thank You to Our Home Church Group

Thank you to all of the ladies who came out Tuesday night with a whole smorgasbord of food, and who stayed with us for awhile and looked at our wedding pictures! Thanks to the guys who kept the children so that those ladies could minister to Candice; the team effort was amazing! Thank your for being there for us and loving us so truly in Christ. We have been so blessed to study and apply Scripture with you guys. Thanks especially to Jen for sending such awesome texts and encouragement to Candice this week; you have no idea how much that has meant to us. We will be glad to be with you guys again this week. Thanks for being there for us, both in the services and outside of them.

Thank You to the Jacksons

You guys have personally invested a lot of time coming out to our house and coming out to the services. You offered Ben the wrong color shoes (haha Aaron) and you were willing to transport family in your car, even though you had never met them. You guys have been wonderful personal friends to us and we are so grateful for your love. We just hope that we can be half as good of friends to you as you have been to us. Thanks, and we hope to see you soon, in better times.

Thank You to the Fellowship Bible Staff

I realize that is not the responsibility of staff to be at every members side in a time of crisis; you guys have lives and you barely know Candice and I. Still, I am impressed by what I saw of Christ in you guys. Thanks to Ken Wilson who not only agreed to do the service on Friday, but agreed to do so even though it inconvenienced his schedule; that speaks volumes to me about the work of Christ in your life. You live what you teach; it is refreshing to see someone yielded to the Holy Spirit. Your sermon was timely, and in many ways exactly how Mr. John will be remembered. Thanks to Chris Kear who called me up and said that he was praying for me, above everyone else. I cannot tell you how much I appreciated that; I too have struggled this week with various emotions. I have been the one that many have sought to lean on; I needed Christ in every moment, and I know that you were praying for that to happen. Thank you, sir, you helped me pass a test that I have always failed before; to God be the glory. Thanks to Andy Patterson for your text, you have only just met us, but you already took an interest in us. We look forward to serving with you in children’s ministry in the days to come. Last but not least, thanks to Shane Wannamaker who has not only been a great mentor, a great home church leader, and a great facilitator, he has been a great friend. Thank you so much for relaying our messages, for giving me Ken’s phone number, for coming out with Ken on Wednesday, and for being there on Friday. I am so grateful that you have shown Christ to the both of us in times good and in times bad; that is the friend who sticks closer than a brother, that is the Christ in you.

Thanks to My Mom

There was no reason other than love and service that my mom needed to drive six hours from Athens, AL to Greenbrier, AR. There are many times where she got stuck in traffic, and we almost got her lost on the way back! Still, she spent the entire week serving us: keeping our house clean, greeting our guests when we were gone, and making sure our home was hospitable at all times. We cannot even begin to express how helpful this was to us, and how much of a load was lifted from us. Though you never attended a single service, you were there for us where we needed you. Thank you for loving us enough to come all of that way to serve us in our time of need. You have always been a godly example of sacrifice; I love you mom.

Thanks to Countless Others

There are so many people to thank in this category: Candice’s coworkers who brought desserts and attended one or both services, ladies from Miss Tina’s work, Candice’s Aunt Margaret’s church who cooked food on Friday and who were at the visitation on Thursday, the ladies that gave us money to eat, and just a countless number of others. God knows who you are; I appreciate your love and support; we were blessed by God through you.

Thanks to Roller-McNutt Funeral Home

Finally, thank you Roller-McNutt Funeral Home, especially Chris Loecker who worked with us, taking us by the hand through the arrangements that needed to be made. Chris was more than professional, he was empathetic and showed us the deepest respect and care. From all indications, Chris is a believer in Christ and his help through this has been immeasurable. Thank you for doing such an excellent job with Mr. John’s final requests; thank you for going above and beyond for my wife’s family. I will be sure to recommend you all, especially Chris, in the future.

Thanks Most of All to Jesus the Christ

I have been tested in the area of selfishness in the past, and I have failed miserably; a lot of the conflict in my previous relationship was my own selfishness. I have to admit that I thought that I would only last so long before selfishness would take over; I was pleasantly surprised that this was not the case. Sure, there were moments of selfishness, but they were quick blips; mostly I showed a kind of servanthood and leadership that I have never seen before, and I am humbled by it. This is not  a boast, except for the work of Christ in me; all that I was able to do, I did through him. What is amazing to me is that I was not always on top of my spiritual walk this week. For sure, I did take to time to read and to pray, but it was not as if I felt my walk was particularly strong. Yet, all that I did this week, I did it without even thinking about it; it was an automatic response that came from who I am. I am truly overwhelmed by this, more overwhelmed than I was this week; I have changed so much in such a small amount of time. Thanks be to God, in Jesus the Christ, whose love has never failed, never gave up, and never run out on me.

And thank you for reading.

3 I thank my God in all my remembrance of you, 4 always in every prayer of mine for you all making my prayer with joy, 5 because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now. 6 And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. (Phi. 1:3-6)

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Lessons from a Mosquito Hawk

Posted on April 24, 2013 by

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This mosquito hawk was struggling for its life. Normally, it would be able to fly on its merry way eating mosquitos and living it up, but today all of that changed.

Somehow the mosquito hawk got a piece of lint stuck to it, and as I observed it from bible study, I noticed that it could not fly. The lint, though easily removed, was heavy enough to put the mosquito hawk on the ground with dangerous predators.

If he just got rid of the lint he could fly again.

How many times do our spiritual lives look like the mosquito hawk? We have some sin that is so easy to throw off, yet for some reason we can’t or won’t do it…it is putting us into some dangerous territory with some vicious spiritual predators.

That’s why the author of Hebrews tells us to “lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely…” (12:1) If we don’t we won’t be able to finish the race.

Now back to the mosquito hawk…

I took a picture for the blog and I was thinking about some ways I could help the poor creature (who eats nasty mosquitos); I wish I could say I did…

Because as soon as I took the picture, my dog Speckles came and viciously devoured the mosquito hawk.

That’s what will happen to us if we keep letting these sins weigh us down. Peter warns, “Be sober-minded, be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” (I Peter 5:8)

Keep the sin off in repentance through the blood of Christ; embrace the Gospel, and fly above the great devourer.

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Archaic or Vintage?

Posted on April 17, 2013 by

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When Maroon 5 released the song “Payphone,” my first thought was that it was pretty catchy and I liked the sound. My next thought was, I quote, “Most younger fans are going to have to Google what a payphone is!”

Let me save you the time by using the image above; you’re welcome.

There are two categories that we place older things into: archaic (without usefulness) and vintage (old but trendy to collect or own). An example of the first would be the payphone, an example of the second would be a vinyl record player.

Some people put God in one of those categories. He is either archaic because he has “outgrown his usefulness” or he is vintage meaning, he is the “in” thing in a certain segment of culture. We make God’s value based on his perceived usefulness or popularity.

But God is neither vintage nor archaic; he is timeless, the author of Hebrews says Jesus the Son is “the same today, tomorrow, and yesterday.” He is not canceled out because he does not give us what we want, and he is not valuable as long as people give him attention.

God is timeless; God is important because of who he is and what he has done/what he will continue to do in the lives of his people, for his glory. He is important because of his holy love, and the fact that he offers traitors pardon and sonship in Jesus the Christ! He will return and bring justice and righteousness to a world that increasingly lacks it.

God still sounds pretty relevant to me.

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The Problem with the World Today? That’s easy…

Posted on April 16, 2013 by

 

IMAGE FROM THE BOSTON GLOBE

 

G.K. Chesterton is said to have once wrote a response to an editorial that was asking, “What is wrong with the world today?” His reply?

“Dear Sir,

I am.

Yours, G.K. Chesterton.”

Some would see this a negative form of pride, as if Chesterton is calling attention to his unworthiness, others would see it as humility, Chesterton is being contrite about how wretched a sinner he is.

I conjecture that it is simply true.

I would add also, that I am the problem, that you are the problem. Yes, we are the problem with the world today. Oh, we all have our lists of who to blame: governments, terrorists, wars, recessions, poor education, bad parenting, low self-esteem, consumerism, obsessive hedonism, etc…but alas, these are only symptoms of the true problem. As yet another tragedy unfolds in the city of Boston, let’s not be naive about who is truly responsible for this.

I am.

You are.

We are.

Disagree? See Romans chapter one.

Hate is a choice; I would argue that it is an easy choice to make. Still, hate is also something that is reinforced through social conditioning; our natural tendency toward sin is amplified by certain factors in our environment. The whole nature/nurture argument is pointless, what nature does not accomplish, nurture finishes off. Some people are reared to tap into their deepest impulses to sin; their society supports this, because it is full of sinful, wretched people.

Kind of like our society; in fact, a whole lot like our society.

Like me.

Like you.

Like us.

We may not be bred for hate, but I will tell you what we are conditioned for…ready for this?

Apathy.

I live in a semi-rural area of Arkansas and I work in a semi-urban area. I have opportunities each day to reach two very different types of people. I have been here almost a month (Arkansas in general since September), and do you want to guess how many neighbors I have spoken to?

None.

Zero.

Zilch.

Is it that I do not care about the spiritual, physical, and relational well-being of my neighbors? No, after a time of prayer and meditation, the disquiet in my spirit confirms the exact opposite; I care very much for my neighbors. The problem is I care about myself more: my safety, my bank account, my free time, my pride…I could go on and on. So, because I ultimately care more about me than I care about my neighbor, I bury my Holy Spirit ignited concern underneath the dirt of apathy.

It’s not that I hate my neighbor; it’s just that I don’t love them enough to care.

I went to the Tucker Creek track on Saturday to do a servant evangelism project. From the Facebook post it would seem like I was excited to be there, thrilled that God would give me the privilege to be a part of something so awesome.

But that would be a lie.

In fact, I was squirming the whole time; I was deeply uncomfortable and unsettled by being out there sharing Christ. Again, it is not that I had no desire to share Christ with these people, it was just that I cared about my agenda more. I want to go back and get the rest of my school work done so I could get some free time to entertain myself. Yes, I have been working hard and yes, it is getting to that time of the class period when work becomes stifling…so I wanted some time to relax, is that so bad?

Reminds of all the excuses people offered in Luke 9:57-62. Jesus’ rebukes are unmistakable:

Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head.

Leave the dead to bury their own dead. But as for you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God

No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.

What is sad is that these were all legitimate excuses…what would his answer have been to me?

Oh Lord, I really want to follow you and reach out to my neighbor, but you see I have all of this school work, and I am tired, and there is this Facebook game…

I shudder to think of the response I would have received.

Rest and relaxation becomes evil when it makes you not care about the former Christian turned atheist who is going through a divorce and “feels liberated without Christianity.” I cared about him, I even choked back some tears, but did I care enough to want to be present? No, no I did not.

There has been some restlessness in my soul since I started these classes; God is using them to wake me up from my way-too-lax attitude/behavior on caring about people and sharing Christ. I have been bothered since the moment I leaped up to leave the track on Saturday…I could not have left fast enough.

That is disturbing.

But this is not a sob story.

God spoke to my heart today; he reminded of more than the casual assurance of salvation we all need occasionally, he reminded me of the Gospel. Christ died so I could have apathetic times, and not be destroyed by the wrath of God. He died so that I could live in my filth just long enough to see that I need out of it. I do not sin so that grace abounds; I can sin because grace abounds already. The hope I have for my selfishness is not moral reform, community service, or a vow of poverty…the hope for my selfishness is found in the selflessness of Jesus the Christ. He was crucified and raised so that all who believe in and trust him may have abundant, eternal life.

The problem with the world today is me.

The solution to that problem is the blood and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

He is the reason I can love God and call him Father. He is the reason that I can love my neighbor as I love myself. He is the reason that I can repent and be made right. He is the reason that all the distractions of this world, good and evil, will not keep me from pursuing what and who he cares about. I am his work, and he will finish me one day to his honor and glory.

May he look over those grieving and wanting vengeance, who want more blood, in Boston.

May he look over me as I seek to care about my neighbor more than my free time.

May he look over you as you struggle with whatever it is that defines your own fallen nature.

Grace and Peace.

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Spiritual Hoarding

Posted on April 9, 2013 by

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The above is the storage room of the Lifeway in Little Rock…it is not always that bad otherwise I would lose my mind. This is what happens when merchandise cannot find its way to the floor: it sits in large, bulky boxes in our storage room.

Now, how would you react if I told you this was the inside of your soul? Would you become ashamed? Would you get defensive? Would you fall down on your knees and repent? If this were an accurate picture of your soul, how would you react?

I was out with a friend of mine the other day, and we were discussing how some people just have so much clutter in their lives; it is almost if they like living without margin and breathing room! However, there is always one thing that these overstuffed souls are willing to forsake; want to guess?

Their spiritual health.

When we forsake being a part of the body of Christ (not talking about church service, I am talking about true fellowship, discipleship, and ministry with other believers), we show where our true priorities are; we display how important Christ’s body and our spiritual family is to us. When we forsake personal devotion because we have “too much to do,” then we demonstrate how much we actually depend on God in our lives. If God and the people whom he has lovingly placed in our lives are the first to be cut, what does it say about our selection process?

I will tell you what it says:

It says idolatry. It says that I am more connected to this world than I am to the kingdom of God. It says that at the end of the day I am more concerned with worshiping anything and everything else other than the Lord who gave his life and shed his blood so that I could live differently; so that I could live free of these things that so easily enslave me and blind me to what is really important.

So the question is, what are you spiritually hoarding in your soul? Is it Scripture? Time with God’s family? Being devoted to good works and bringing others to know Christ?

or…

Is it Xbox 360 (or any console/pc counterpart)? Is it Netflix? Is it fishing? Is it your kids’ sports commitments? Is it your kids? Is it your spouse? Is it the security of your bank account? Is it the fullness of your stomach? Is it your power? Is it your religion?

What is it that is cluttering your soul so much, that you have no time for the God who made that space just for himself?

“For what is a person benefited if he gains the whole world but loses or forfeits himself?”

(Luke 9:25 LEB)

Grace and Peace

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The Lens Principle, from “Winning with People” by John Maxwell

Posted on March 8, 2013 by

The Lens Principle is as follows:

Who we are determines how we see others.

The big question is:
What is my perception of others?

This means that:

1. Who you are determines what you see.

2. Who you are determines how you see others.

3. Who you are determines how you view life.

4. Who you are determines what you do.

There are also five things that determine who we are:

1. Genetics

2. Self Image

3. Experiences in Life

4. Attitudes and Choices about those Experiences

5. Friends

I would personally add a sixth one: Faith. (Which Maxwell does mention is important as a decision)

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Hydration

Posted on March 7, 2013 by

You are supposed to drink 8 – 8oz bottles of water a day; I barely drink 6. Most days I only drink 4.

It would take an inordinate amount of time and effort to remember to drink; one time time I set a 15-min timer, and shortly developed a nervous twitch in response to the alarm.

Stopping to drink every 15-min is seriously hard, and seriously irritating.

How do you stay hydrated?

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A Year of Freedom

Posted on March 4, 2013 by

Forward by Candice Youngblood

Sex. It’s the one topic with which the church feels most uncomfortable.  This issue is unfortunate because it’s one of the most important topics about which the church should be talking.  When Will shared this blog with me before posting, I found myself stuck in a paradox of emotions. One emotion was excitement.  I was excited to read about the triumph of God in the life of a believer, especially a type of triumph that I myself have experienced.  The other emotion was fear.  How will a blog such as this be received?  What’s the line between privacy and transparency in the life of a believer?  In the words of one of my dear sisters in Christ, Will and I had an intense fellowship concerning the topic.  After cutting through our pride, stubbornness, and motives we came to a point of unity on matter.  Below, you will find the results of that unity.  Please read Will’s testimony and consider the manifestation of the glory and mercy of Jesus Christ.  His story is very important to me, and it is one with which I can closely identify.  Perhaps someday, when he and I write a book together (which we seriously plan to do), I will share my testimony as well.

A message from Will: The following is a very difficult post, with some content that may be objectionable to some readers; discretion is advised.

I never thought I would be able to write this blog, in fact it may take several times of  crying to actually finish it. Yet, I must finish it; for it is a testimony to my great Father and the power of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

As of March, I will have been free of pornography for a whole year.

Did you see that? Free for a year.

I never thought I would be free for a month, much less a year.

My journey started like so many when I was young, sixth grade to be accurate. It began with an excursion into romance novels; the really vivid and graphic ones. It does not matter whether they are harlequins or historical romances; they all contain graphic sexual content. If you have them laying around your house, I beg you to get rid of them before your children find them; they are truly a gateway to hell.

From the novels, it went to cable movies/shows; I used to stay up late to watch HBO, Cinnemax, and Showtime. This was the living room area of sexual addiction, this was my teenage version of sex education. I only got caught a couple of times; I knew how to hide it from others—secrecy: it’s one of the biggest indicators of sin.

As internet became more prevalent and I had access to it, I descended into the dungeon of sexual addiction. The internet became a way for me to get my drug; for at this point, that is what it had become for me. I continued to spiral into the abyss until I used my parents’ credit card (and not a fake email address) to gain access to a website. My parents got an email from one of the sites and they were furious; I was banned from internet usage and in my lost and hopeless state where this act was my idol, nearly committed suicide.

But here’s where the story takes a turn.  Here’s where the salvific power of Christ enters my life. Though I didn’t realize it at the time, God kept me from taking my life.  Not too long after this, I became a believer in Christ. I wish I could say that this automatically ended my fight with the addiction but I would be a poor liar. Now I had a bigger problem, I was now following Jesus and trying to continue my old pornography habits. Whereas before I could indulge in porn without issue, now I felt a deep conviction that it was wrong, and that I needed to stop watching it.

By this point I was chemically dependent on the sin. Pornography is not just a spiritual problem, but it is also a physical problem. When I was in my really rough years in middle school, my sin became my relief from my stress. After I did that for several years, I had become dependent, addicted to my own sin. So, even though I have sought freedom in Christ, with various amounts of success…I have still had immense struggles with it.

My porn addiction continued through high school, post high school, and even some into college (though in college it was less prevalent due to my being around people more often). As I really began to commit myself to doing God’s will in college, I became incredibly burdened by my sexual immorality. I was constantly afraid someone would find out, and I would be asked to leave campus. That never happened, but the fear of it was still there. College though, is when I began to have more significant victories, even though they were often followed by periods of porn binges.

The nature of my addiction in college changed from a constant stream to periodic binges; I was actively fighting the problem, but it would still make itself present when I would have a low point or when I would let my guard down. When I graduated from college in 2010; I reached another serious lowpoint/depression. Though I still fought the addiction; I did not fight as hard. So, while I began pursuing females during that time, I was very steeped in pornography binges.

There was a breaking point in the fall of 2010 when the church I attended held a purity D-Now for the youth, and I was asked to be one of the leaders. I felt incredibly hypocritical, and rightly so, for living a life that did not exemplify the biblically based material in front of me, so I decided to change. For a while, I lived in the grace of God and began to see God do awesome things. It was during this time that I wrote the series of blogs entitled, ”What’s Love Got to Do With It?” Writing this series was both my triumph and my folly. I strongly believe what I have written in those blogs, but I have to say for the most part, I have not practiced it.

It was not too long after this that I guess, I got prideful, and then I got waylaid…from March of 2011 to February of 2012, are some of the most painful and unbelievable moments of my life. Pornography does not just stay in your private life; the sin leaks out into everything you touch: you become irritable and secretive. You start thinking about sex and see every comment as sexual. Your mind literally becomes consumed with sex; you worship at its altar and pray without ceasing. You treat your opposite-sex relationships differently.

It starts with sexual innuendo; the innocent flirting and alluding. From there it regresses to what is called “sexting,” then to inappropriate phone conversations and the spiral continues…just an endless, bottomless, abyss of pain, hell, and destruction. Ultimately,  you begin to evaluate all of your potential mates on how well you think they will do in bed.

I knew it was wrong, but I refused to stop myself.

One woman I talked to initiated the inappropriate exchanges but actually stopped talking to me because, even though she initiated the talk, I went way beyond where she was willing to go. Did that stop me? Not in the least. I moved on to more and more inappropriate conversations with women.  The final woman was trying to get me to lie to my parents so I could take a trip to Chattanooga and actually sleep with her…

At that point the Holy Spirit broke through: I was out of control.

I went to an event called “Worship and Waves” where my pastor’s message really convicted me; that night I broke of that horrible relationship and I was free again.

I remained free for several months; I took the entire month of August to reevaluate my life and to try to find ways to battle my sexual temptations and remember the pain they cause. It was after this time that I started talking to Wendy Roach.

Wendy and I’s relationship was very complicated; the more I think and pray, the more I realize how much I wronged her. I think of Wendy as “Leah” was to Jacob, I never really loved her and toward the end I did not even like her. Though we never fully crossed the boundary line of physical relationship, we pushed it to its limit.  It is completely my fault for I did not lead us in a godly manner; in fact, I believe that our relationship was God’s way of showing me what not to do. I was utterly selfish and tempted us both in ways that no godly man should ever do with a woman he claims he loves, but then again, I did not love her…that explains a lot. I used her for my own gratification, but as the relationship wore on and wore out, even that was not enough.

I mention this because it was during the high stress of this relationship that I was pushed back into pornography. Sexual gratification outside of marriage in any way will not quench sexual addiction, it will only fuel it. In fact, one of the “benefits” to breaking up with her was so I could watch porn again without her getting belligerent and checking up on me. That was not the only reason, but it was definitely a reason that pushed me to end our relationship.

I binged for about a month and that is when God really began to break me; I wish I could say in the months leading up to meeting and talking with Candice that I was pure; that also would be a lie. However, in March I began to fight the hardest I have ever fought against pornography; no, that does not end the sexual addiction, but it was a step in the right direction. It was my way of saying to God that I was ready to get out.

Candice and I began seriously talking in April, we both have highly addictive pasts that God continues to redeem.  Praise God that he has protected us from completely giving our purity over to another person, but we both have struggled horribly with our purity. One step I took to escape was to put serious restrictions on my computer usage through a program called “Safe-Eyes”.  Even with this precaution, there were times that temptation would lead me to look for loopholes to find something that was just sexual enough to make it through the filter but not too “hard core”.  I would watch a few seconds of it, get convicted and have to confess to Candice…it was not easy, and I would rather pluck my eyes out. However, Candice forgave me, prayed for me, and encouraged me to continue to forsake it.

And I did, and I am still forsaking it.

It has not been an easy road for Candice or I; I can say though with all of our miscues, this is the purest, holiest relationship I have ever been in. We have had to modify boundaries according to our convictions and the leading of the Spirit, but we have kept those boundaries. Again, it is only by the grace of God in Christ that we have made it to our wedding day on March 16, 2013 (12 days as of 3 PM CST, WOOHOO!) as virgins ready to experience the joys of monogamous, holy, fiery sex together. And we should be looking forward to this; God has been drawing us closer together and we feel that only way to get closer is to become one with one another. We are excited about how God has brought us together, she is truly my “Rachel;” and I love her deeply and dearly.

Candice is not the reason I stopped doing porn, but God used her as a means to help with what was already going  on in my heart. In all of this, God is the hero; God is the one who, in Christ, has stayed by my side and kept me fighting. His love never fails, it never gives up, and it truly has never run out on me. I owe him everything that I have that is good and wonderful in this world.

As of March 2013, I will have been free from a pornography binge for one year.

By his grace and with his help, I hope to make it…

A Year and a day

A Year and a month

Two years

Five years

Twenty years

I look forward to the day when I have lived in freedom longer than I have lived in sin.

May he continue to increase and may I continue to decrease.

 

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Allergens

Posted on March 1, 2013 by

I suffer from allergens.

Pollen. Dust. Pets.

You name it, I have some mild-moderate allergy for it.

This time of year is hard because of blooming things, then add on to that my working in the dusty inventory room lately at LifeWay.

It can miserable for me on some days.

Local honey has proven to help with my outside allergens, but what about the dust? I still end up taking a Claritin. Allegra works best but is so expensive.

Do you suffer from allergies? What do you use?

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